MUST READ! Crazy Campus Drone Writes to Magufuli

Dear Uncle Magufuli,

This is your nephew writing on behalf of your Ugandan nephews and nieces. I greet you. And in equal measure congratulations upon the sword of austerity you are venting on the post Kikwete Tz electorate.

Uncle, I write to voice my mixed emotions with regard to the effect and inspiration your crazy actions are casting on our lives in Uganda.

What we initially found remarkable has come to haunt us. The jokes we initially cracked at your actions have turned their guns onto us. It is indeed true, that a wife mustn’t befriend the cane wielded on the back of her co wife, for such a cane is only loyal to its master.

Those men you call brothers; our fathers; they’ve heavily borrowed from your Magufulication policy, Pa, significantly reduced my upkeep, he insists all I need is tuition, food and a roof over my head. He has summarily asked me to leave hostel in Wandegeya and rent in a shack in Kikumi kikumi. He says I must buy a Kabiriti, that I shouldn’t be wasting money on data, he says social media is a foreign venture. That the only social media is CBS radio. That I must buy bull Mukwano soap, that medicated soap will summon cancerous cells, that I must use utensil soap for my skin. Ehhh.

Uncle Magufuli, I trust you’ve heard a thing or two about kikomando. Well, the rolex guy seems to be drinking from the same cup of madness, he sold to me a few pieces of broken bean cotyledons and the clearest bean soup. He says beans are expensive. My brother in MUBS says, Hajati now sells a few dry grains of rice and bones. Starvation is knocking.

Uncle, my cousin in UCU asked me to convey his message. He says he had a dream. He says he saw you at the helm of the East African Community. He says that you should initiate, a university exchange program. That you bring all the beautiful Swahili girls from the coasts of Dar es Salaam, and take these gold diggers in Makerere university. And bring ina  few Rwandan girls too. He says that you should put in place a strict sieving policy; that the Tanzanian and Kenyan international students at Kampala International University are impostors and frauds, smokers of Shisha.

My sister at MUBS, also added her voice. She mourns the day you came to power. She says ever since the Magufulication thesis hit the shelves her gold ore boyfriends have been acting up. She mourned about what he said last;

“Baby we won’t be able to go for Patoranking’s show, we shall wait for a recorded version and watch every little thing, he claims he is afraid of Al Shabaab bombs, but I deep inside know he’s only being a jr. Magufuli.”

Uncle Magufuli, I’m told your other name is Pombe, ayii uncle, unless your mother was a pombe brewer, she needn’t have named you Pombe. I mean, you should consider instituting legal proceedings against her. That aside, well, Kyambogo boys have made it their business to drink pombe in your honour. All they ever do is pombe. They claim if Pombe is the president of Tanzania, then Pombe must be the president of drinks. Kitoko, a cherished pombe brand sells like hot cake in the areas around Banda.

Uncle, everyone is employing your policy, Ddumba Ssentamu refused to send Makerere representatives to the University games in Busoga. (But Ddumba what personal vendetta do you have against the Basoga) he claims the university has no funds for trivialities. Yivenii some Nkrumah guy claims MUBS girls are expensive, he set fire onto some innocent boy’s butt, he says his loins were on fire with desire. The message on the wall is; Magufuli leave our lands alone.

Yours, crazy campus drone!