Hey, I am Amanda a student of Law at Uganda Christian University [UCU], in Mukono. My boyfriend has an addiction to porn. He watches it almost daily, sometimes three or four times a day. Keep in mind this is something I discovered after a year, now that he is comfortable with me and feels secure about us, this comes out. He now claims that “having sex with me is boring.” But he also claims he loves me and it’s not enough to break us up. My only issue is I can’t enjoy him intimately because it feels like now he has sex with me out of obligation. This takes away from the intimacy. I have opened this conversation up on many occasions, and he will respect what we discuss for a week or so, then goes right back to the porn and masturbating. I feel occasional porn is healthy for couples, but every day porn is too much, and it does affect our sex life. Do you think he will ever stop or slow down? What can I do to help him recognize this is a problem?
As you say, porn can be a part of a healthy relationship. Frankly, whether a guy watches porn zero times a day or many times a day, what really matters is how he treats you. And this guy is treating you with disrespect. He’s shutting you out and telling you that sex with you is boring? What an obnoxious jerk! You do not have to take that kind of insult. I bet his insulting, belittling attitude is what “takes away from the intimacy,” not the porn.
In some cases, an over-reliance on porn does eventually turn guys off from real sex. That’s bad enough. But a problem isn’t an excuse to insult someone or treat your partner with anything less than love. It’s infuriating that your boyfriend felt that it was OK to tell you that he thinks sex with you is obligatory and not as thrilling as jerking off with his laptop or phone. That’s disrespectful, insulting, and just not fucking cool.
When you talk, try reminding him that the problem isn’t necessarily the porn, it’s the way porn is affecting your life and the way he treats you. Tell him that the porn watching wouldn’t really bother you if he treated you well and could actually participate in your actual sex life, rather than retreat into his virtual fetish. He could seek out therapy. But if he’s in denial, you’ve got to decide how patient you are going to be — and how long you are willing for him to wake up.
If you’ve raised this issue repeatedly and he hasn’t begun treating you better, I do think you need to be very careful and consider leaving. Remember that you don’t have to make this work. You’re not asking for much. Believe me, it will not be hard for you to find a guy who likes real sex with an actual woman as opposed to a right hand and a laptop in the other.
