When my Exams are done, I will not go out. I will lock myself up in my room, switch the lights off and for 30 minutes experience what it is like to be in a paper with no clue about any of the questions asked. Only difference will be that at the moment it will be only me in the ‘exam’ room.
I will then remember that I know my crush’s room number. She stays in the girls’ Hall across. At that moment, I will plan a surprise visit. They don’t surprise Campus girls with flowers. They surprise them with hot dogs, chips, Rolex or car keys. The level of surprise that comes with the latter is so slippery – you could slip and fall in the ‘suprisee’s’ legs.
I will therefore buy a Rolex and make my next stop at Room E78. Ten minutes later, I will return after several knocks on the door to no avail but just the light from a colourful sticker on her door flashing in my eyes while simultaneously reading;
“Happy are those who bounce. For they will make appointments next time.”
That will not hurt me. I will in fact buy airtime with a plan of calling her and we laugh about it. But first I will rehearse the conversation with my roommate.
“Hi love.”
“Hi Steve.”
“So guess what! I was at your place. I had bought you a Rolex. It was supposed to be a surprise.”
“Awww….I wish I were there. I am out with my friends.”
(Keep in mind, this is role play with my roommate.)
So after dialing *130*……#, I will proceed to dial *149# to activate my pakalast. It will come in handy and behold, 20 minutes of pre-paid time.
I will then, with a lot of enthusiasm and want, and anxiety and a stomach full of butterflies call my crush but someone else will pick up. She will be both specific and precise in her words;
“The number you have called is currently switched off. Please ‘try’ again later.”
I will undoubtedly ‘try’ again later a million times still to no avail.
I will then withdraw to my room after getting to face the fact that my pre-paid time is going to waste.
I can’t call mum at such a time of the night (She expects me to be asleep.)
I can’t call any of my boys (they will think I am the lonely weirdo that is always alone in moments of the night and is resorting to them for comfort.)
In my room, I will lay on my bed facing the ceiling and my hands on my head. I will start drawing pictures in my mind of my imaginations about what she (my crush) could possibly be doing at such a moment.
I will see her drinking lots of booze and getting drunk. She will then smoke all the pots of shisha there is in the Club. Then at the end of it all she will get into a ride of some guy that will drive her off to his home while licking his lips.
At that instance, I will force myself to stop imagining what is going to happen after that.
My face will frown and I will look like that emoji you would want to send to someone to show them that Ssebana Kizito is cuter. A picture of something nasty will appear in my mind and make me restless. I will roll on my bed back and forth until that imagination (of her giving the guy head) leaves my head.
Then I will send extremely threatening messages to her WhatsApp inbox that will make her tremble the moment she reads them.
Messages like;
“I miss you.”
And,
“Call me as soon as you see this message please.”
After that, I will retreat to my sleep.
