It’s lunch time and I’m seated reflecting on my first year of university. I am reminded of the exhilarating highs and crushing lows that come with navigating young adulthood. From CGPA, to managing finances not forgetting being away from home. As I stepped onto campus, I was bombarded with questions: “what’s your course?”, “where are you from?” But I was more concerned with” who will I connect with?” I acquired fame quite fast. I got a lot of admirers and wooers in addition. And somehow, it appeared like everyone was in the rush to prove their worth to me. “I think I am extremely beautiful” a sly grin spread across my face as I pondered the idea. As I walked along campus, I couldn’t help but notice the couples’ holding hands, stealing kisses between classes and gazing lovingly into each others eyes. I desperately wanted the experience.
Along the friends came someone that turned out to be special, at least they once were. It started with a whirlwind romance, late night conversations, and a sense of belonging. Not forgetting the outings where he always covered all the bills. It left me so amazed like damn, people have people that buy lunches, take you out, always checking on them, give them chocolate and ice cream and everything in between and they are not their parents! Wow! He was handsome, caring. No, maybe better way to put it is that he knew how to play his cards so well to get what he wanted. Call it love or whatever but it surely was my turn to have it. But as quickly as it began, it ended. leaving me with a gaping hole in my chest and a deep sense of loss.
Most people describe heartbreak as when you lose appetite, get insomnia as you wait for your loved one to call in vain or when you get mood swings whenever love is mentioned. They forget one thing. The shame and self blame that come with a heartbreak. “I could let go of the memories, but the questions keep echoing in my mind?”. “Maybe you felt this too, but at least you didn’t have to face them on campus every day—a bitter pill to swallow. “Being somewhat famous meant my heartbreak was public knowledge, which only made it worse.” “Is this why we are called freshers? “I sheepishly asked. “As we went back and forth, I sensed this would end in tears, but I never expected him to look me in the eye and ask, ‘Have I ever asked you to be my girlfriend?’ So, all those moments—the outings, the visits, the intimacy—was I just a friend, or worse, was I being used? I wanted to confront him, but instead, I found myself drowning in self-blame. I had mistaken his ‘kindness’ for love, and there was no excuse for that.”
“People preach ‘let go and new love will find you’ gospel, but that’s easier said than done when it’s your turn. I withdrew, convinced I was alone in my heartbreak. But when I finally opened up to my friends, I realized heartbreak is a universal language or a ‘national cake,’ as they say. Everyone was carrying their own struggles, some even heavier than mine, and it made my burden feel lighter. Love is a rollercoaster of emotions, a double-edged sword. I missed the red flags and ignored the advice of friends. Looking back, it wasn’t love. I was just naive and desperate. So dear, desperation as a poor matchmaker. Don’t be desperate, take things slow.
