You have finally secured a date with this babe who has always been playing hard to get. Of course you expect good things, so you decide to spend half of your next month’s upkeep on an expensive treat, at her favorite eat-out spot. To your dismay, the lousy girl bores the hell out of you throughout the date, and you even realise she wasn’t that cute in the first place – she admits she likes you though.
The only thing on your mind now is how best to break up with the lousy ‘byatch’, but you are afraid of being blasted in public, or of the relentless second chance requests. So you want to craft a bombshell WhatsApp text. Relax, I bring forth the best techniques for you. You too that wants to dump your nagging girlfriend, this article’s for you:
Use the straightforward approach.
Do a ka Agnes Nandutu on her: Tell her point blank. This will come up very heartbreaking and offensive, but are you her momma? So put your mean glasses on and write something like this,
“Hi [name], I must admit, on going out with you, I realised I really didn’t like you the way I thought. Sorry to say this, but I have to let you go.”
True, this will spark fire into your inbox, she will use 100 synonyms for the word ‘fuckboy’ in one sentence, all in reference to you. But this will save you the burden real quickly.
Lie to her.
Lying is not so easy to pull off if you give details. So try to be as intricate as possible. Create a loving ex that you don’t even remember.
“Hi [name], I really loved the date. I must admit, you are a very beautiful girl but I think I am still in love with my ex and I don’t want to cheat on such an amazing girl like you.”
Now this is a classic lie, which might make the girl want to know more about your ex. But you chose to lie, so lie your intestines out.
Be poetic.
I know, most of you are allergic to poetry. But I don’t mean you have to go all Shakespeare esq: just craft something deep and witty. I will give you an example of the text I wrote to Eve, some dense Muhima babe who couldn’t reason beyond her borrowed Brazilian hair,
“Hey Eve, I’ve realised that many a time, I have been rushing through good things, things which had always better been left to bloom on their own, to be sure if they are really meant for me. This rush has always led me to hurt and/or get hurt; God knows the amount of time I need on my own to get over myself. I hope you understand.”
Don’t ask me what happened after Eve received the text, hihi. All I can tell you is, never let anyone know that you copied your breakup text from Campus Bee, or else you will be cursed for how much of a savage you are. Lol. Till then.
