Getting intimate with Remy got me really confused about my sexuality. I’ve always considered myself straight and all of a sudden I’m caught in this web of confusion. I’m just not sure anymore. After getting intimate with Remy, I looked into her eyes and I knew something had changed within me. I’m just not the same anymore. I’m ruined! Being confused about your own sexuality isn’t fun at all. I thought I’d just be with a girl once and go back to my old self.
There’s just something about lesbian sex, once you’ve had it, you just don’t go back to your normal straight life. Don’t get me wrong, I still want sex with men. I’m obsessed with sex. It’s just that now I’m also craving women. I look at them and I think of getting intimate with them and Remy just makes it hard for me to go back to being straight. She keeps parading her naked self around and making comments that make my blood boil. I pay attention to women way too much. I notice the way they walk, talk, and more than on one occasion I’ve caught myself imagining how it would feel to touch them in sexual ways.
Remy and I haven’t talked about what happened between us. She acts like it didn’t happen and I act the same, but in my head it’s there for me to see.
`That look again…’ Remy’s voice cuts through my thoughts.`What look?’ I feign innocence but I know what she’s referring to. I’ve been looking at her body…looking and remembering how it had felt against mine.
`You know what I mean…like you want to eat me up right this moment. You’re thinking about that night, aren’t you?’ I start to open my mouth to speak and she flags her arm across the air. `It’s okay. I think about it too.’ We are both lying on our beds, facing each other. `I think of it, the way your lips felt on mine, how you came all over my face…so when you look at me like that it’s hard not to want to feel that all over again…’ She gets off her bed and walks up to mine and before I know it, she’s settling herself next to me. She lies facing me and her fingers reach out to brush away the hair that has fallen to my face. It’s the first time she’s touching me since that night. It’s the first time she’s getting this close again and my heart is beating hard. All of a sudden I’m scared…really scared. Her fingers are massaging my scalp as if to calm me down, as if she knows what’s going on within my head.
‘I’m not a lesbian, ‘ I say in a tone so low it could have been a whisper.
`I know…you were never a lesbian but the moment your tongue touched my cunt, you put yourself in a spot. You want more, you crave it…and then you just can’t fight it anymore, you give in…and every time you breathe in that rich musky scent of a woman, you just want to bury your face in it. You get addicted at the first taste…It’s a drug sorry I didn’t warn you…’
`Remy, ‘ I don’t even know what to say, I just know that I have to say something. I just need to talk but my chest is beating so hard I bet she can notice. ` I_’ The words get cut off my throat by her mouth. She’s kissing me and from the moment her lips touch mine, something else takes over me. I think it’s the craving within me, the urge to have one more taste. I kiss her harder than she probably expects. She draws her head away for a bit and looks into my eyes. I’m not me anymore, or maybe I’m becoming me…I don’t really know. I’m confused. I put my palm against the back of her head and draw her back way too hard and kiss her more savagely than I ever have.
`You ruined me, ‘ I mumble and then kiss her again. I bite her lower lip. She whimpers and tries to draw away from the kiss, but the more she does that, the more I sink in my teeth. She stops trying to draw away and I relax my hold on her lip, and that’s when I notice something different…blood. I pass my tongue over the mark my teeth have created and blink my eyes open. She’s staring right into my eyes. There are tears at the edges of her eyes. She just looks too vulnerable.
I’m sorry.’ I let go of her neck realising only then that I had been gripping it too hard. She passes her tongue over the cut and winces. She moves close and kisses me on the cheek and for some reason I don’t understand, that’s the most affectionate kiss I’ve ever felt. If I were an emotional person, tears surely would have come down my eyes but since I’m not I just looked on.
`Lets get rid of these clothes,’ she says, and suddenly, I’m hit by the spell again. I’m reminded of my cravings. There’s nothing gentle about my cravings so there’s nothing gentle about the way I handle her body. I can’t separate pain and pleasure…I just give her both…
Yours truly,
Trudie.
