I was friends with this guy I’d met through a friend at uni and basically sometimes we’d hang out and had fun. A few times I’d been over in his room and twice we’d ended up play fighting and I got depressed one time because we’d been play-fighting and he’d had his arm round me whilst we were watching stuff on his laptop so I’d thought I’d maybe have a chance and I got depressed because I realised he liked my friend.
Then, the other night we were at his room for a “party” although only like 5 people were there and he mixed me a drink and I don’t really drink but I thought I’d go with it.
The drink didn’t really agree with me and my friend even pointed out to the guy that he’d gotten me drunk and I ended up on the edge of his bed half asleep whilst they played Xbox. He said I could crash cause I wasn’t really in much of a state to go home. And to be honest, I wanted to stay.
My friend left and the guy set up the sofa bed next to his bed but I was already cozy underneath his duvet so he let me stay in his bed and he got in.
We sort of cuddled up for a while and I think I woke up a little bit more but I was aware enough. We ended up play-fighting a little more and basically he tried to get me back by unhooking my bra.
It sort of went from there. Basically we ended up with no clothes and I guess we were about to do it but he stopped. He told me that he wasn’t interested in me that way and that it would be a bad idea and I told him at one point about how he’d made me all depressed a few weeks back and he guessed it was because of the girl he’d liked even though she’d rejected him. He talked about how he’d had a “leg”buddy in the past and how I was a friend. And that he had a friend that when they met up they didn’t plan to they just ended up having sex. Which made me feel weird. I didn’t know where I stood on this issue. He said that we couldn’t really be FWBs. I didn’t really say much about it.
We ended up messing around again after a little while of cuddling up trying to sleep. And he had his arm around me and touched me a few times. When he touched my breasts I didn’t really like it because they’re not particularly big so I felt awkward – it was just awkward as hell. When he’d first gone up my top before our clothes came off I’d joked to him “You won’t find much up there” and when we were quite close a bit later on and he went down the way I said “You’re not going to like down there much either” We pulled a little too and he told me that I pulled weird. At one point I went “Eww, you had your tongue in my mouth!” and then I told him that my friend owed me because we were sad enough to make a bet that whoever got a pull first would get the prize money. And I don’t know why I mentioned that. But it told him that I was a virgin. Which really anybody could have guessed. I feel really pathetic that it was my first pull too.
Basically we got to a point where we were sort of rubbing and then he said “I’m getting a condom” and I don’t really know how I felt about that – I was a little like what the hell because I was nervous/embarrassed but I think a part of me didn’t mind.
Just before he put it on he said “I’m so tempted to do it without it” and I was like “I’m not Jackie” he asked me who that was and I said to him quite bluntly “Where do you think I came from?” because my mother had me when she was 19 and I think I was a mistake. Probably under similar circumstances. So he put it on.
Of course, I didn’t really know what to do so he kind of had to correct me a few times which was really embarrassing. It didn’t help that he kept falling out. He asked me a few times if I was ok and I said I was. I pulled him a few times just because I didn’t really know what else to do.
It was kind of sore keeping my legs so wide and it wasn’t all that comfortable. I don’t think it was as sore for me as it should have been because I’m not too much of a stranger with masturbation as it were.
It was short and it was a bit rubbish. He told me you can tell when it’s been bad because he came far too quickly. I didn’t even notice. He was a lot rougher than I would have thought and I can’t get the sound out of my head of stuff hitting off stuff and the bed creaking….
I made a joke after about how I could have done a better job myself. Which I probably shouldn’t have said…
There was one thing I absolutely could not do the whole time we were in that bed and that was look at his penis. I caught a few glimpses out the corner of my eye and even though it was dark I couldn’t do it. He also made a few jokes about giving him a blowjob and I told him what he could do with that idea…
There was one point in the night where I couldn’t sleep because it was cold. I asked him if he had any spare boxers because I didn’t have a clue in the dark where he’d flung my knickers. So I got out of bed and started fumbling with the clothes horse at the foot of his bed. He switched on his lights at that point and I was so embarrassed. I shouted at him to switch it off and he put the light on twice. Which I really wasn’t happy with because I was so embarrassed about being naked.
And it all sounds like some of it was a big joke but it was really weird and I don’t understand at all. I don’t do things like that. I was kept awake the whole night not because I was thinking about it but because I wasn’t used to another person’s bed and sharing a bed with someone who wanted to put their arm around you.
In the morning it was really bad because I had to wait until he finished showering so I could use the bathroom.
I didn’t know what to feel. He’d told me he wasn’t interested. And I couldn’t understand why I’d gone along with all of it. I knew a part of me wanted it and probably wants more from him. I can’t stop thinking about it. I almost want another chance to do it better and I keep playing it back in my mind’s eye. I’ve been drifting off during conversations with other people thinking about it. I’m just so confused.
I told my friend what I’d done and she was like “what the…?” it’s not like me at all. I don’t get drunk. I don’t do stuff like that.
I know I have no chance with him. I text him later on that evening when I’d had a little sleep and I asked him if he regretted it. Because I was sure regretting it a little by then. And I feel almost a little used even though I don’t really think I have any right to feel used because I wanted it sort of.
He said “Regret? No, but it can’t and won’t happen again”
He also said that “it had its moments.” There’s a part of me that thinks that’s only the part where he came. It’s probably bad that I think that. I said I was confused about why I’d done it and stuff and that it wasn’t like me.
He replied “I can’t answer those “questions”
I told him I was sorry I was being so difficult. And he said “You’re not.”
I’ve not text him or seen him since.
…as narrated by a naive Mubs fresher.
