Welcome one and all little ones to this, an exclusive and unbiased inside look at your soon to be “home of dreams” come the next three months (hopefully). Here, I bring you a brutally honest and somewhat accurate look at some of the hostels you may or may not have already committed to based on their repulsiveness to give you a better perspective of what to expect or have signed up for. Let’s begin 😌

10. St. Mary’s Hostel Kyambogo.

Speaking without any sort of experience, the name possibly explains the cause and nature of the rules and strictness of this hostel (I heard they even have mass on Sunday). St Mary’s remains among the oldest yet possibly still barely existing hostels of the region which should reassure those that haven’t booked hostels yet that there’s still hope. It consists of a working shuttle (laughing emoji) and a very pleasant peasant environment.

9. Madonna Hostel.

The last kick of a dying horse. Ladies and gentlemen, behold the would be best hostel of Kyambogo University in 2014 probably. (This picture is not even recent, all new one’s are way too pathetic). What Madonna lacks in everything, it makes up for with an over baring custodian and constant inconsistencies with its shuttle. You know what, let’s even move on to the next hostel shall we 🙂. 

8. Bavana Hostel.

“There’s no place like home” but this clearly isn’t it. Bavana is possibly the most populated and therefore most thrilling hostel to stay in since it has all kinds of people, everyone even those not studying and is famous for its now failing parties and stuffy crowded shuttle. (Don’t think we didn’t notice 😂). Each room consists a balcony and barely any water which makes for a perfect boys hostel. (It’s a mixed hostel by the way). 

7. Servite Hostel. 

I am not sure why this is even on the list but let’s see. Has time run out before you could book a hostel for campus? well fear no more because choice, sorry I mean Servite is here. With a variety of tiny rooms and an unrealistic walk to and fro campus, Servite allows you a first hand view at your favorite inhabitable slum that nears banda plus a close look at how insecure it could get should you find yourself out by mid-night. Servite hostel; we are clearly your only choice at this point 🙂. (Advert theme song plays, probably Billie Eilish)

6. Kabojja Hostel.

Not all that doesn’t glitter is not gold. I present, yet another anticlimactic disappointment. Kabojja, what it lacks in exterior, it doesn’t make up for with its interior as it consists of cemented floors and just a few of the rooms having tile finishing. Kabojja could actually be the only Banda hostel with a safe enough shuttle for majority of the semester to guarantee your safe travel to university and sometimes, if you’re lucky, back. Check it out before you book a room at Maddona 👀

5. Batana Hostel

This hostel might not seem like much to a lay man but to Banda veterans, it’s possibly even worse. It’s rated the freshest chill point since it consists of a whole lot of freshers 😂. Batana’s bright exterior and closeness to campus has managed to draw the eyes of many unsuspecting S.6 leavers making them believe it’s the best invention since sliced bread. Ps: Always check the interior and showers.

4. Naro Hostel

“Walls tell no tales.” But for this case they just might. Naro hostel despite a scandalous start “if you know, you know” has managed to re-group, re-strategize and therefore rebuild into one of the would be future Kyambogo Elite hostels with an impressive architectural style that draws almost all civil engineering students to it like Tamale Mirundi’s “Big bammed women”. Ps: they have those too 😉. What narrow lacks in paint, it makes up for with a treacherous road and a good view of Servite hustles.

3. City Hostel.

A new born hostel making it in the big leagues of the already overly competitive Kireka hostels. What city lacks in proximity to campus, it makes up for with a fully functional shuttle (just kidding) and hard party life shown by hosting legendary parties Silent Discos. I wonder if the water is now more consistent…

2. Erima Hostel

Erima hostel, one of the oldest yet fanciest hostels in Banda has somehow managed to maintain its glow and majestic outlook despite it being a girl’s only residence. It’s closeness to campus makes for a very convenient life except for the case of a strike breaking out or missing hostel set curfew (you heard me, they have curfew), it’s every man for him/herself and God for us all. Did I mention it’s a girl’s only hostel? 😐

  1. Paradise Hostel-Kireka.

“Welcome to Paradise”; This new joint has taken Banda by storm with a new apartment like vibe that features each unit consisting of a sitting room, kitchen, balcony, two bedrooms and shuttle services all while remaining affordable and close to Campus. Paradise could undoubtably be the fanciest hostel Kyambogo ever did see if it wasn’t for its location and presence of deckers. (Please don’t throw me out for this 😅)

As clearly depicted, there are no good options. All you can do is not choose one that’s worse than most and then vow to slightly do better the next semester. For those whose hostels are not on this list, fear not. At least you’re not at Madonna. 

For continuing students, leave your honest opinions in the comment section below and let’s help guide this “Jolly souls” (freshers) into the best and worst times of their lives in the only way we know how, mockery.

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Eric Ben Kakembo
uGandAn_cHieF, Boy ?, Very dramatic


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