I am a university student at Makerere. I am in my third year and I am writing this because I think I have depression. I haven’t told any one because I don’t want my fellow students or friends to look at me differently or treat me differently. I have good days and I have bad days, just like others. My lows just happen to be lower and harder to manage.
Depression isn’t who I am, it’s just something I have. I would rather say I have depression than say I’m depressed. Depression is a mental illness dat I will continue to manage every single day. However, I don’t feel depressed every day. Some days I feel completely fine and others I can barely drag myself out of bed.
Some days I wake up excited and ready to take on the day. Others, I can’t wait to get at hostel and hide from the world. Some days I feel positive and optimistic. Others, I feel helpless & worthless. Despite this, some times I feel left out and don’t fit among my friends whenever they go around flirting with ladies they laugh at me and say that I was bewitched because they have never seen me flirting with any lady at campus.
Whenever they say this I sometimes don’t take it seriously because I am always a quiet and shy guy which triggers the symptoms of my depression, but it was already there. I was just doing a good job hiding it. The longer I hide it from my friends, the worse it gets. I can dress up, trade laughs over brunch, and share a picture-perfect Instagram post, all while feeling like a part of me is crying inside.
I don’t want to feel this way either. I’m not being dramatic or looking for attention. Depression isn’t just feeling sad, and it isn’t something I can just get over. Believe me, if I could, I would.
Having depression is exhausting. It’s not uncommon for me to go through a full range of emotions in one day, or even one afternoon. I worry that people don’t like me, and I worry that I’m not enough. I overthink everything, analyze every word someone says, and read into every facial expression someone makes.
I think of all the things I did wrong and all of the things I could have done better. At the end of the day, I barely have the energy to watch TV or read a book. I just want to escape my thoughts and numb my feelings.
Yet, I’m not something to be fixed. I’m an imperfect person who only wants to feel understood, loved, and accepted.
If I tell some one that I’m not happy, I don’t expect them to list the reasons I should be. If I feel like a failure, don’t rattle off my accomplishments. I already know all of these things; I just need to sort through them a loud with someone I trust. Someone who can just listen.
I need your advise. Help me.