Most guys have that chic they want to have fun and enjoy worldly things with, but the challenge is these girls consider themselves queens of the Lord. And it’s only in the kingdom of heaven where alcohol won’t be served to princesses and queens. Some self proclaimed liquor generals will question as to where these queens and princesses get these laws from.
It was a lovely Monday evening as i downed a few bottles of Guinness when I heard a knock on my door. Upon opening, it was the sight of the usual suspect, general Benja. He had a box of Bond 7 tot packs and I gladly welcomed him in.
General Benja told me that he had something painful he wanted to share. I realised things were about to get emotional so I filled up his whiskey glass with Bond 7.
He told me how he really wanted to have a certain Elizabeth all to himself but she was masquerading under the guise of being “saved.” It was at this point that the alcohol spoke the following words of wisdom, “if she is saved, that means she was a sinner because one is only saved from a problem.”
We scratched our glasses in agreement in favour of the motion. We complained about how society had often been mislead by the kind of Elizabeth. We kept on bringing up stories of how Pastor’s kids were very immoral and spoilt.
But Benja insisted that we must do something about Elizabeth. I told him how I have initiated so many people into the drinking zone. But unlike booze war battles, this was a war that the enemy would not be willing to fight. So we devised a plan to get her intoxicated through any way we can. Benja departed and I had an early night.
On Tuesday, Benja gave me a call around 1 pm and told me how Elizabeth was in my room with one of her ‘innocent’ friends. I got onto a bike from Nakawa where I had gone to pick Lisa.
Lisa was going to act as the cooling agent of our mischievous deeds. I told her how she would act innocent but submissive to the idea of drinking with us all in a bid to get Elizabeth and her friend Jacky high as F*.
We reached my room at around 2pm. The girls were eating some chicken as general Benja told them stories of all the awesome nights he has had. This guy was so good at deceiving that he even forged the meaning of some scriptures including the incident where Jesus turned water into wine.
The mood in the room was rather serious and boring to my taste. I suggested that we play a drinking game. Here, the girls would drink a quarter of whatever a guy would drink.
After about 15 minutes of persuading the girls, they agreed to play if we punched their drinks. I then poured some lime codral into each of their glasses which already had a shot in them.
Lisa tasted the punch and confirmed that it wasn’t as bad as she thought. So, I galloped my filled-to-the-brim whiskey glass and all the chics were impressed. Benja and I knew that our consumption rates were higher than those of the girls so we had to make sure they got high.
Elizabeth became willing to continue the challenge and started galloping the small shots that we had lined up for her. I then slowed down my pace so that I could keep in control.
By 3pm, Elizabeth’s friend was already tripping and started dancing. The sight of a self proclaimed princess of the Lord dancing to “Rambo kanambo” while drunk was just exciting. She kept falling down while trying to twerk. Benja kept picking Elizabeth up as he trained her how to dance.
Jacky was in a worse state, she kept pulling my shirt closer to her. These daughters of God were acting like Speke road ‘thigh-vendors’. The dance moves were slutty, voices noisy and faces drunk as f**k. I must thank God, it was raining because the noise was rowdy.
Benja took advantage of the weather, and dragged Elizabeth down to his room. Jacky on the other hand had semi-passed out. The challenge is, I love alcohol but I really really hate passing out. Since I had started this war, I had to fight till the end.
When Jacky woke up at around 7pm, she realised that my back paid the price of getting her back to her senses. Of course, her face was filled with disappointment. But I told her how she should not have incited violence because my corpus cavernosum muscles do not like being teased. They always act when triggered.
Jacky then started a drunk prayer. I have never heard a paper with so many pauses and grammatical errors as this one. But Hey, it’s alcohol and it always makes us do stupid things.
Speaking of stupid things, I kicked Jacky out of my room after telling her that I don’t like lost sheep. But remember, the Lord looks for lost sheep, so go and repent because only the Lord forgives the sins of those who backslide. Jacky retaliated with a half an hour sermon which made me reflect on my life decisions. I returned to my room and reflected on my wrong deeds while drinking the remaining bottle of Guinness.
Well, despite the lecture I received, I will back with another drunken tales because breaking my bondage with alcohol requires a lot.